Greetings, computing box aficionados! It is I, Pierre Laclede, here finally to assume the role that has always rightfullly been mine - King of Laclede's LAN (or as the staff prefers to call me, the Godfather). Sacre Bleu! I was never politely asked for the use of my name, so now I am taking over this "LAN party" and bestowing upon it the nobility and gentlemanly flavour it so sorely lacked.

I present for you today a story - the first in a series - in which my faithful servants will research new areas to... er... make LANs. This first location was my own personal idea, and one that I was quite proud of. I overheard "Dudsmack" and his little friends "ACE" and "sargentwolf" (such odd names) complaining that they were having trouble attaining food for their "LANs". Before anyone could stop me, I demanded that the next party be held at a food marketplace! Though they protested, I stood firm, and after a few threats and some musket fire, I was able to coerce them to leave the house, with their glowy books in their hands. I even allowed sargentwolf to hold the keys. ACE was not pleased at this for some reason - the keys belonged to him. He said something about sargentwolf being a bad driver, but I was far too enthralled with my new concept to worry about whose carriage - er, car - was being driven by who.

After wrestling the keys from sargentwolf, Dudsmack assumed the role of driver. Sargentwolf tried to adjust his nightvision so that he would not miss the market, and ACE humorously predicted which tree the car would end up "wrapped around". As we all set off for the marketplace, a tear nearly welled up in my eye, but I blinked it away and smiled to myself. I felt that I had truly offered some great assistance to the computer lads.

I put myself in charge of the portrait box, and my grunts immediately stormed the building in my name! I don't know who Schnuck is, but his food stand is the most enormous I've ever seen!

The men were quick to seek out a surface for their glowbooks, and were soon yelling and laughing at them just as they had been earlier. We recieved many strange looks from others - possibly because of their behavior, but more likely because I haven't changed my wardrobe since the 1750's. In any case, we soon attracted the attention of the Schnucks family (who looked very different from each other to me), so we decided to relocate to a colder climate.

We had soon relocated to the freezing section, where we encountered strange cabinets full of frozen goods. While we couldn't actually eat any of the food, my men were perfectly willing to do their duty, and they did their best to have their party in the aisle. However, it wasn't long before the Schnucks started closing on our position, so we decided to move yet again.

ACE tucked his book into a particularly cold area of the shelves, saying that it was an effective cooling system. I didn't know if he was joking - could this have something to do with them saying that Schnucks would be a "cool place to go"? He moved the computer rather quickly, however, when I pointed out that it looked like his computer was being sold 2 for $6.00, like the waffles nearby.

Finally, we were asked to either buy something or leave by one of the Schnucks. I was about to draw my sword and challenge him to a gentleman's duel, but the boys begged me not to, so I let him live.

So, here I give you the final score for Schnuck's food market:

Food:

It looked as if we would have all the food we ever needed, until I found out that we had to pay for it BEFORE we ate it. Next time I will fix this problem.

Cooling:

I think this means how good the LAN center is, although I still have not discovered all the new uses of the word "cool". The frozen section was quite cool, though.

Space:

There is plenty of floor space, although a few more tables might have assisted us. Floors are not good for glowbooks, Dudsmack tells me. Actually, he referred to them as "lap-tops", but I never saw them in anyone's lap.

Atmosphere:

Constant hostility from the Schnucks. And, since I wasn't allowed to use my sword in the store, we had no choice but to move often.

Juice:

I am very perplexed with this aspect. I saw gallons and gallons of juice, but Dudsmack told me that there were no "outlets". I directed his eyes to the "Easy Open Pouring Spout", and he simply shook his head and walked away. Such insolence!

Yea:

spacious, smells good, easy to find.

Nay:

not made to have fun, territorial Schnuck people.

Location Scout: Schnucks Market